Day 24: Half Way

I've just crossed the half-way point.

I don't know whether to feel encouraged or discouraged by that. Here's a rundown on where I am now:

• I have learned so much so far about myself and others.
• I realize there is still much more to learn.
• I am sometimes frustrated or jealous about food.
• Other times I am content with the situation.
• I don't feel dizzy, weak, or particularly hungry.
• I have lost a lot of weight: now 25 pounds.
• It has been much harder than I thought, in unexpected ways.
• I am ready to be "normal" again.
• I feel for the people for whom this is normal.

Here are the groceries I bought this week:


One final thing:

Today is February 29th, a bonus day that only comes once every four years. Laura and I joked about how we have to make the most of today since it doesn't happen very often.

That's how I feel about A Dollar to Remember. It is a special thing. And I want to make the most of it.

Day 23: Entitlement

For a long time I prayed before meals, but I think it was sometimes just out of habit. I pray; I eat. That's the way it works.

Today, though, I noticed that I prayed for my sandwich while I was walking between classes.

I didn't used to pray for something like that. I guess it's because a sandwich on-the-go doesn't really feel like a meal, so I didn't usually think about it. But today I did. I thanked God for providing my sandwich (and it was a good sandwich too--since I bought lettuce yesterday).

Afterward, I wondered why I'd never prayed that way before. Part of the reason is that I never thought to thank God for something so small (and now a sandwich is no small thing). But I think the biggest reason is the feeling I have:

A sense of entitlement.

It's my food. I bought it. I need it. I've never been seperated from it. So I deserve to have it. I have a right to eat.

I know it's wrong, but I think that I've always assumed those sorts of feelings without even knowing it. Sometimes I think I still do--which is why this dollar-a-day process helps put me back in my place. It reminds me of that old proverb:

"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

He constantly provides for me, though I don't deserve it (even when I think I do). I am not entitled to His grace, yet He still gives freely.

What a great God. I am thankful.

Day 22: The Big (little) Give

Lately I've been noticing promotions for Oprah Winfrey's new show, The Big Give, set to premiere this Sunday, March 2.

The concept sounds interesting: Ten competitors are challenged to use a bundle of cash to change strangers' lives in the most innovative ways. They have to give big--until only one competitor is left.

This sounds great. Philanthropy is much needed, and I think this show promotes that. Still, I am left with one question:

What about the little give?

When I first heard about the show, I thought of the story of the widow's offering in Mark 12. As many people enter the temple and give their sizable offerings, a poor widow enters. She gives two small coins (worth less than a penny). But it was all she had. And Jesus commends her action.

I witnessed an example of this first hand the other day.

For some unexplainable reason during this time of dollar-a-day living, I have been craving Cheez-Its. (See my earlier post on this.) Still, Laura and I have decided that we will only eat the things we are able to buy on this amount.

So I had come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to eat them. That is, until recently.

Sunday night, Laura said she'd bought me a gift. When I opened my eyes, there was a little bag of Cheez-Its. I knew how much a personal sacrifice it was for her to buy it (since we can't really afford much on our tight budget), so that little bag meant a lot.

Just like the widow's two coins.

I realize that giving costs. If I haven't met any cost, I haven't really given. I imagine that Oprah's new show will be heartwarming, but I'm also glad for a mini bag of Cheez-Its and two small coins.

Day 21: Weighing In

This was never meant to be a diet. But I've lost quite a bit of weight--about 15 pounds in three weeks.

I thought my weight loss would level off eventually, but I have been steadily losing weight throughout this entire process. I've checked in with an online dietitian source (dietitian.com) to make sure I'm staying healthy now.

Here was my weight range:


And my suggested nutrition intake:


It looks like I'm still within healthy bounds so far. It makes me wonder just how malnourished people who really eat on a dollar a day must be.

Day 20: Cheer Up

In light of the negative emotions I wrote about yesterday, I just ran across an enlightening comment that resonated with me. It comes from The Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. He writes on the fasting experience:

"At first we will rationalize that our anger is due to our hunger. And then, we know that we are angry because the spirit of anger is within us. We can rejoice in this knowledge because we know that healing is available through the power of Christ."

This is both a sobering and freeing thought. It reminds me of a popular truism that my mentor often says:

"Cheer up!
You are more sinful and flawed
than you ever dared believe,
yet you are more accepted and loved
than you ever dared hope
because Jesus lived and died in your place."

I love that.

Day 19: Banana Blessings

I've been thinking through some hard things in my life the past couple Sundays. Sometimes I've been angry about it. Sometimes frustrated or confused. Sometimes bitter. I've just had a lot of negative emotions.

But the banana is coming.

Let me explain.

This morning I had another bowl of oatmeal (as I do almost every morning now). This isn't the good stuff in those pretty packages with the different sweetened flavorings. It's just plain oats and water. I eat it out of necessity for the nourishment--definitely not for the taste or texture.

Today, however, I got to eat half a banana with my oatmeal. I didn't mix it in. I saved the banana until after I finished the oatmeal--to leave the sweet taste in my mouth. And it was good.

Knowing the good taste of the banana was coming made the oatmeal more bearable.

This morning in church I thought about this. (Yes, I was over-analyzing my breakfast, but the thought resonated with me.) The Apostle Paul writes in Romans 8 (my favorite chapter of the Bible):

"Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later... We wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us."

I love that.

Jesus lived, died, and lives again for us (in spite of us) because he loves us. I have so much sin in me. But one day, Jesus will redeem all my negative emotions and bitterness and confusion into full glory with him.

There is a banana coming at the end of this oatmeal.

Day 18: Chapati

Chapati is one of the foods Laura learned to make in Africa from flour, oil and water. It is very cheap and tastes pretty good. We use it now for a sidedish in meals or cut into chips for between meals.

Here is the way to make it on YouTube. We roll and fold oil into the dough one additional time, but it looks almost the same.



And here I am making some of my own:

Day 17: Understanding God?

I don't know how to handle poverty.

It's not only hard for me to see that it exists. It's also hard for me to understand why and how it exists. I get overwhelmed by the weight so easily.

This morning I read a section from Isaiah in the Bible:

"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them."

Isaiah 41:17

Sometimes that's hard for me to understand. I still see the suffering of the poor and needy, yet God says He will not forsake them. Maybe I will never fully understand how this works, but I know somehow it fits together.

If I turn back just one chapter in Isaiah, he writes this:

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

Isaiah 40:28

My God is all-present, all-powerful, and all-knowing. I can rest in the knowledge that He has everything under control.

I love that.

Day 16: Gaining Wait, Losing Weight

Two things since I began this process:

1) I've gained a bit of self-control in staving off urges to eat for fun.
2) I've lost weight--about seven pounds--in the past two weeks.

I noticed it this morning when I had pull my belt a notch tighter. I'm not thrilled about this (since I'm not that big a guy to begin with), but I suppose it's part of the experience.

But let me focus on the positive. In spite of the food reduction, Laura and I are trying hard to stay safe and healthy throughout. Buying groceries is a little easier now that I can use foods I've purchased but not yet finished from the past two weeks.

Here were my groceries for this week. For the first time, I was able to buy all the food groups: dairy, grain, fruit, vegetable, and meat!

Day 15: Unity in Pizza Rolls

"Just eat it. It's free."

I hear this often from people around me. We have Sunday School breakfasts, baked birthday goodies, Bible Study snacks--and someone usually pays for it out of kindness. Cost to me: zero, usually.

Still, things like this don't happen often to some other people. So during this process, I have a rule of thumb as far as what I can eat. If I bought it, I can eat it.

So this was allowed. The DEAL OF THE WEEK:


Totino's Pizza Rolls!
Total cost (after sale and coupon): $0.04/box

I love it! And I also learned something from it.

Laura and I would never have known about this deal had we not received a hot tip from someone else. It made me think about something Laura used to say about the families in Nairobi:

"They have so little. But they're usually so happy."

When we don't have much, we have to depend on other people. Dependence builds unity. And unity builds happiness--and in this case, pizza rolls!

In some ways, these poor are actually richer than I am. I suppose we're all poor in some way or another.

Day 14: Twenty-First Time

I heard this song on the radio the other day and realized I completely identify with the lyrics. It hit me hard in light of the past two weeks. Here is a video inspired by the song.



LYRICS

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
he used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket's an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and i walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time


Twenty-First Time by Monk & Neagle

Day 13: Licking the Bowl

The temptations are not what I'd expect.

In our social circle, Laura and I have seen a lot of big food events lately. For Valentine's Day, the men cooked a fancy meal for the women. One of our friends had a birthday with a big dinner. And a bunch of my buddies went out to Buffalo Wild Wings to try to eat 200 wings in one sitting.

That's a lot of food. But that's really not the source of temptation for me anymore.

The little things--that's what really gets me. While baking a birthday cake, I want so badly to lick the bowl. Just one finger wouldn't hurt anything, would it?

John Piper talks about a related phenomenon in the book I've been reading. He writes:

"The greatest enemy of hunger for God
is not poison but apple pie."

He explains that the real dangers lie in the things that aren't bad in themselves, but end up as "deadly substitutes."

Food is not bad in itself. But I'm not just trying to avoid food. I'm trying to see a deeper understanding of the Almighty God and His heart for the poor and afflicted. With this as the goal, it takes very little to sway me from the path.

Just one lick of the bowl.

Day 12: Getting Homesick

In correlation with this time, I've taken up reading A Hunger for God by John Piper on the recommendation from a mentor.

For Laura and I, this time is considered fasting (although a nontraditional method), and I think the book will help me process along the way. I have not read too far yet, but I love how Piper begins the Introduction.

Here is the very first sentence:

"The birthplace of Christian fasting is homesickness for God."

This is profound. Still, in all honesty, I know that I don't yet know what that means. I suppose that is part of the journey.

Day 11: Sacrifice, Jesus, and Cheez-Its

The thought came via Cheez-It.

I have learned so much more through this process than I ever could have expected. Laura and I still have a long way to go, but already I see certain themes come up again and again.

One of those themes is sacrifice: its true depth and meaning.

I thought of this sort of sacrifice yesterday partly though Cheez-Its. I don't know why, but I have been craving them intensely ever since we since we started eating on a dollar a day. I can't afford them, but I want them. Just one Cheez-It is tantalizingly cheesy.


Then I wondered:

If I had never known its goodness,
would it be so hard to give it up?

I think sometimes this dollar-a-day process has been so tough because I know what it's like to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. And now I can't. I had to surrender that ability. This is the meaning of true sacrifice.

I realized this is exactly what Jesus did. I see it in Philippians 2: Jesus is a king; he made himself a servant. Jesus is God of the universe; he made himself a human. Jesus is immortal; he made himself to be crucified. Jesus is everything; he made himself nothing.

Jesus knows full glory, yet he gave it up for a time to live and die on earth for me. Wow.

Jesus was human but he is also God, so I'm sure his stomach didn't quite groan for glory in the same way my stomach groans for Cheez-Its. Still, I think it's safe to say that it was no walk in the park. It was, after all, a sacrifice.

I mean no disrespect in the comparison, but just as Jesus reigns in glory again, I will one day see those Cheez-Its again.

I look forward to that day.

Day 10: Meat

I am a carnivore.

I enjoy a good steak, tender veal, glazed ham, thin-sliced salami, slow-roasted chicken, basically anything once-living. Don't get me wrong. I respect vegetarians and fully support ethical treatment of animals. But I love the taste of meat. It's unbeatable.

The day before yesterday, I had meat for the first time in over a week. It was glorious. It was also a hotdog.

It was the first time I've ever really savored a hotdog.


Here are my groceries for the week. There are the hotdogs. The UNIQ fruit, which looks like a hedgeapple, we had for Valentine's Day was also good (and cheap at only $0.25!).

Day 9: Most Special Dinner

Today is Valentine's Day. But there will be no chocolates or fancy restaurants for Laura and I.

Still, we're intent on having a special dinner keeping within the dollar-a-day bounds.

We shopped for groceries very intentionally yesterday. We made several sacrifices for the rest of the week, but we came up with a nice menu:

• Vegetable soup
• Biscuit with peanut butter
• Jamaican UNIQ fruit (half)
• Jell-O (for dessert)

Total cost: $0.76 apiece (approx.)

I planned more for this one meal than I have in a long time. I also sacrificed more. Somehow, though, these things make it so much more special--probably the most special dinner I have ever made.

I'm excited to eat tonight.

And I am thankful for what I have.









Laura spoons out the Jell-O for us. It was the sweetest thing I've tasted in a while.

Day 8: Dirt Cookies

That's not chocolate.


It's dirt.




The Associated Press ran this article recently on poverty in Haiti.

Many people in that area eat cookies made of dirt, vegetable shortening and salt as a main food source. It's all they afford for nutrition. And it's especially common amongst children and pregnant women.

I have nothing to complain about. At least I have my rice and beans.


[photo by Ariana Cubillos, AP]

Day 7: Bean Vending Machines

No more Kit Kats. Or jerky strips. Or Chex mix.

I passed by a string of vending machines on the way to class today and stopped to look at one of them. I guess I'd never thought about just how pricey things were getting until now. A bag of M&M's would have been a whole day's meal for me.



But I don't miss the foods as much as I miss the convenience.

It would be nice to be able to put in a dime and get a bowl of rice or a nickel for a handful of beans. A Dollar to Remember basically cut out my on-the-go eating habits. "Fast food" doesn't exist on this sort of budget.

I don't mean to complain. I just notice that this whole Dollar thing has required a lot more sacrifice than I originally expected. My daily foods are different, of course. But so is my social life, my time scheduling, my morning rituals. It's changed a lot of my life.

This isn't as easy as pressing D4 on the keypad.

But maybe that's a good thing.

Day 6: Feeling Bad

He said it in passing, but it made deep sense to me.

I met a friend to chat this afternoon at Dunkin Donuts. He had a breakfast croissant and a hot chocolate. I had my water bottle but wished I had a breakfast croissant and a hot chocolate. He didn't know about A Dollar to Remember, and when he noticed I wasn't getting anything to eat, he said:

"Please get something. It makes me feel bad that I'm eating all this if you don't."

He didn't think much about the passing statement (and he wasn't actually eating too much), but in my situation, it struck me as profound.

That's exactly how I feel about the poor most of the time. I feel bad that I have something they don't. And I don't know how to respond, so the way I cope is to somehow say, "Please get better."

Or worse, I ignore the situation. How many times have I walked by a homeless person on the street and averted me eyes to suppress the bad feelings I have?

It feels uncomfortable for me to look straight into the faces of poverty. I still don't like it. But being even a little in their shoes makes me realize that feeling bad doesn't help anything.

The problem is still there.

Day 5: Tasting the Bread

This morning in church we took communion. Never before has the bread and juice tasted quite so sweet.

I heard once that we can never fully appreciate something until it's gone. I'm starting to recognize that a little more. Even the very food on my table is a gift from God. I realize now just how much I have taken for granted.

"May God have mercy on us and let us see; may our prayers show that we know our true need and know the only One who can meet it."
--Ron Julian

Day 4: Dodging the Question

I've found creative ways around it.

For A Dollar to Remember, I can't afford to eat most foods, but I'd prefer that people didn't know it. I've discovered just how much I don't like saying those four words: "I can't afford it." I met a friend for breakfast this morning and another guy for coffee this afternoon. I couldn't afford either one.

Here are some of the things I've already said to dodge the question, "Why don't you eat something?":

• I'm fine with just my water bottle. (true)


• I just had lunch, and I couldn't eat another thing. (mostly true, but for other reasons)


• I'm meeting with someone later. (true, but not for lunch)


• I need to eat the food I've got at home. (true)


• I'm not really hungry. (sometimes true)

I guess I don't like admitting my own poverty.

I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed.

Day 3: Craving Pepperoni and Faith

I've never wanted a pizza more than I do now.

Cravings are really starting to crack down on me. Foods seem to smell ten times more tantalizing than they used to. Last night, a buddy of mine ordered in some pepperoni rolls, and it was tough to just say, "No, thanks," when he asked if I wanted some.

I DID want some. Badly.

I wonder if people who really eat on a dollar a day ever feel like this. I somehow doubt it, but if so, I'll bet they feel it less often at least. I image part of my cravings have come from the sudden yanking of the rug out from under me. One day I could anything I wanted; the next I couldn't. I won't reach a sense of homeostasis until after this stage of "detox."

Still, it's humbling to think of their contentedness. While it may become natural, I can't image it's ever quite easy. I am awed by their unyeilding persistence and their trust in God to provide for them daily. I hope to one day have that kind of faith.

This is my deepest craving.

Until then, I'll just have my third bowl of beans and rice. I've actually kind of come to like it (although I doubt I'll have a beans-and-rice craving anytime soon).

Day 2: Blending In

No one around me realizes it. They can't even tell that the guy next to them can barely afford to eat.

I thought about this for a good part of the day today. I just finished a full day of classes on campus, which made the dollar-a-day eating even more difficult. I couldn't just grab a sandwich, a mini pizza or some sushi from the Food Market.

Still, I look just like everyone else.

This reminded me a lot of the 2006 movie The Pursuit of Happyness. In the movie Will Smith's character tries to break into the professional stockbroker world while still trying to support a family. Money is very tight, and at one point he and his young son find themselves homeless on the street.

It's a beautiful movie, but the most striking part is how "normal" Will Smith's character looks to the people around him. They might never guess that he has no place to live.

That's exactly how I felt today. But then I wondered: Is there anyone really struggling like this around me right now? I might now be sitting next to someone who can't afford to eat, and I might never know it.

What a sobering thought.

Laura and I have decided not to talk much to other people about A Dollar to Remember (except to have a couple friends to keep us safe and accountable). One of my roommates doesn't even know. I wonder if he will even realize how little I can afford to eat.

Maybe I will just blend in.

Day 1: Adjustment

This morning while cooking oatmeal, it boiled over a bit onto the stove. I salvaged it and ate it anyway. I can't waste anything, so I don't have much choice.


Today's meals:

Oatmeal: $0.08 (approx.)
Ramen soup: $0.14
Rice and beans: $0.35 (approx.)
Carrot (half): $0.06

DAY TOTAL: $0.63


Not too bad for the first day. I know this will get difficult fast, though. I shopped as tightly as possibly, but I still don't have much. Here are all my groceries for the week:

Preparing to Begin

Tomorrow is the first day.

I bought all my groceries for the coming week: $7 worth of food. With much less than half as much food as I usually buy, it ironically took me twice as long to buy it. I noticed a few things as I walked through the grocery store:

• Every penny matters. I can't afford most food items anymore.


• My food is precious. I almost dropped a can of beans, and my heart about stopped.


• If I don't buy wisely, I won't eat later.


• I was a little jealous of other people. I wanted a piece of fruit, but I couldn't afford it.

Thinking about the coming effects of this has already made me a little hungry. And I haven't even begun. I am taking meticulous care of the food money from now until Easter. I only have $46 from now until then: one dollar for each day.

We'll see where A Dollar to Remember takes us.

One Inspiration